Anxiety

Games between Arsenal and Chelsea are like the sun (the orb in the sky not the ‘news’ publication) I know they are necessary but that doesn’t mean that I should look at them for too long. That way lies migraines. The importance of these games has been outsized over a number of years now.

They are essentially always cup ties, either because they are literally cup ties or, in the WSL, they tend to have a large bearing on Arsenal’s title prospects. This weekend’s encounter is prime anxiety territory as the Gunners trail Chelsea by three points at the top of the table. If Chelsea manage to stretch that advantage to six points with a home game against Arsenal in hand, well…now I need to take solace in a darkened room with some Nurofen for company.

The line between being a fan and being a journalist is something I have had to consider a lot more as interest in the WSL has blossomed and the game has increasingly professionalised. The transition from terrace to press box was a gradual one for me, not least because the press box and the terraces are barely separated at all, in the physical sense, at most WSL games.

Clearly, I have always adhered to press box etiquette during games. Although, a few years ago, I did used to wear Arsenal colours in the media area- when covering away games especially. I did this for logistical reasons, when I had a pass and an Arsenal jacket, the various people that you need to manoeuvre past to get post-match player access just assumed that I worked for Arsenal and it created a slightly more frictionless experience for me. 

It also made it easier to attract player attention when I wanted to grab a word post-match. This was a time when Arsenal would not necessarily always have a press officer at an away match which meant I often had to fend for myself- making my way pitchside, flagging players that I wanted to speak to down and relying on their good graces to stop (which wasn’t always hugely difficult because I was often the only journalist asking for their time).

Clearly, it’s all a little slicker now with a lot more staff on hand and games are more often played in well appointed stadia. While the access might not be as unfettered as it used to be, it is a damn sight easier and less stressful to coordinate. It’s also more reliable. Emotionally, internally, I experience the games I cover like a fan. I have exactly the same emotions, anxieties and inner turmoil as I do watching the men’s games.

The difference, of course, is that at the men’s games I can express that emotion outwardly. I can take the edge off with a few pre and post-match pints, I can sing and shout and scream and celebrate and basically rid myself of my nervous energy. I have GAD (Generalised Anxiety Disorder), thankfully I am on the pretty mild end of it but it does mean I have a lot of nervous energy.

At the women’s games, in the press area, I have little to no outlet for my anxiety, frustration, despair and elation. The pre-match pints option is also not really open to me. I am working and have to be focused and that focus helps because it is something I can channel my adrenaline into. It helps that it is work (I use the term ‘work’ in the loosest sense of the word) that I enormously enjoy and relish.

In a small corner of Arsenal Women twitter I have picked up a reputation for posting goal spoilers. Often the televised action is a few seconds behind real time and I manage to Tweet about goals before people watching at home have seen them. This is entirely a product of nervous energy on my part. 

I can’t celebrate a goal in the way I naturally want to, so picking up my phone and furiously punching ‘1-0 McCabe golaco!!!’ Into the keypad Is my way of letting off some steam. Burying my face in my phone allows me to observe the required poker face and I can make it look like a journalist’s desire to inform on significant events rather than a fan’s expression of relief.

I also tweet far less about the actual games than I used to. Improved coverage means that is unnecessary anyway but lots of people tell me they turn my tweet notifications on during games and I fully understand that my tweet notifications are probably anxiety inducing for them, so I don’t want to create undue stress. 

There are only two occasions where I can recall failing the press box etiquette exam. During the 2019 Conti Cup Final penalty shootout, I banged my desk when Sari van Veenendaal saved Manchester City’s first spot-kick (Arsenal went on to lose the shootout). In November 2021, as Arsenal trailed Spurs in the closing stages of a North London derby- the most anxiety inducing situation I can imagine- Jordan Nobbs had a perfectly good goal ruled out when the referee adjudged that Beth Mead had taken a free-kick too quickly.

To compound the folly, Mead was booked for that act of apparent insolence. For a brief second I forgot where I was and blurted out ‘what the fuck?!’ Thankfully the press box at The Hive was very isolated from the rest of the crowd and only a few journalists, who know me and my allegiances well, heard me.

Nowadays, I have to think more carefully about what I say and how I say it online. The game is professionalising and so is the coverage, so I cannot be too emotional in my observations, even when I really want to be. I have to apply much more of a filter than I used to (that’s not a complaint, it’s an inevitable and desirable byproduct of increased interest in the game).

I never really had a plan for all this when it comes to coverage of the women’s team. Like all the best things in life, it happened almost by accident and I just made it up as I went along. I didn’t expect the game and the interest in it to blow up in the way it has, so I have really had to learn lessons as I go on where that line is drawn between being a fan and being a journalist. 

I think a lot of people assume this was a role I applied for with a job interview and a CV and a carefully manicured plan. It really wasn’t. I just didn’t see an appropriate level of coverage for the women’s team anywhere, so I decided to do it myself, my editor agreed and put up the money for it and I have been making it up as I go along ever since.

In the press box, the line between fandom and journalism has always been abundantly clear because it is a fandom free zone and that clarity has been helpful. Online and in content terms, the rules of engagement are changing and I am having to adapt to them (which, again, is not a complaint).

Come Sunday, when Chelsea roll into the Emirates Stadium, I will be a nervous wreck the entire day. My hands will be scrunched tightly into my pockets, balling up into fists, clumps of my psoriasis ravaged scalp will congeal under my fingernails and the keyboard will be my sole outlet for a couple of hours of gut shredding tension. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.